I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize