I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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