How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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