You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
