I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
