I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
