I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
