i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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