Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
