What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
