the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
