You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
