how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
