we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
