i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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