My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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