you guys were way drunker than both of me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
