Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
