I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
