Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
