so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
