I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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