its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
