I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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