I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize