Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
