I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
