I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
