Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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