I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
