It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
