My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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