a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
