His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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