It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
