mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
