I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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