just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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