Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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