he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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