drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize