she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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