She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize