Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
