I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
