Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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