ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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