you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
