I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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