what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
