I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
