i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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