i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
