If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
