i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize