You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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