They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
