everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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