Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
