I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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