I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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