Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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