it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
