omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
