his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
