Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
