I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
