it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
